Tony Stark: The Iron Man, The Myth, The Legend.

Iron Man is the most amazing film ever. Period.

Why?  Because every single man on this planet would love to be Tony Stark.  If they don’t, they’re mentally challenged.  Slurs aside, it’s all theoretical, because every man on this planet WOULD want to be Tony Stark.   This is a story about a man who has everything and wants more…

Our story begins with Stark travelling with a military entourage, having successfully pitched his new super-duper explosive weaponry (the Jericho missile) to the US military in Afghanistan.  You could say, it was a blast?

This is about as good as it gets for Stark and celebrations are all go, joking with the soldiers, posing for photographs and getting attacked by the locals…  Wait, what?

CheeeeeeeeeeSHIT!!!!

As suddenly as the attack started, it's finished with Stark mortally wounded by one of his own weapons.  In the brief period of time before death consumes him, Stark has a moment for that to sink in...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??!

So, Tony’s dead and the baddies win, right?  Wrong motherfucker, were you not listening?  This is Tony! Fucking! Stark!

Despite the fact that he has been abducted by some form of Afghan terrorist cell and has tiny bits of deadly shrapnel flowing through his bloodstream, which will soon reach his heart and end him, Stark is saved by fellow hostage, Yinsen.  Yinsen, being somewhat awesome himself, hooks Stark up to a car battery, via a crude device which acts as an electro-magnet to stop said barbs reaching his heart.  Seeing how Stark is appreciative of his second chance, he takes up cave-baking.

Just kidding.  Stark totally teabags Yinsen and proves his dominance as a God by creating a miniature Arc Reactor, using a few random bits found in a standard terrorist cave.  The Arc Reactor is essentially a nuclear power plant in your pocket.  Using this not-so-crude device, Stark has Yinsen implant the Arc Reactor into his chest, powering the electro-magnet that keeps him alive.  Stark also plans to use the power-source to fuel his means of escape.

You see, Stark is being held against his will by the terrorists, as they want him to construct a version of the Jericho missile for them.  To achieve this, they provide Stark with a large amount of weaponry, much of which appears to have been acquired from Stark Industries, Tony's parent company, the worlds number one weapons manufacturer.  How this has been acquired, we do not know.  That is, unless you happen to speak Urdu, in which case, the terrorists tell you at the very start of the movie in their ransom video.  Obie Stane, Stark's partner who co-founded Stark Industries, put a hit out on Stark's head, wanting to become head of the company.  It was this failed attempted assassination that led to Stark's capture.

Whilst this is unknown to Stark, he has no choice but to assist the terrorists and build a Jericho missile.  Well, at least, he would have, had he not decided to put Scrapheap Challenge to shame and build his death-machine.  Using some not-so-effective cloak and dagger techniques, Stark and Yinsen are able to construct "something".  It is while they are powering up this contraption that the terrorists realise that at no point in all the surveillance have they seen anything even remotely resembling a missile.  Running out of time, Yinsen decides that the only way they can escape is if he buys Stark some time with a Kamikaze run.  This leads to Yinsen being killed, but grants Stark enough time to power up his machine... This:

Awwwwwwww yeeeeeeaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Now, freshly fuelled with vengeance for Yinsens death, Tony proceeds to unleash hell on those terrorist bastards!

How do you like yours?  Medium Rare?

Obviously, being an absolute fucking DEATH MACHINE, Tony destroys the vast majority of the terrorists and escapes, in a fashion that would have had Rambo shitting his knickers.  After wondering the desert, in a scene that's reminiscent of a certain Sci-Fi movie starring two droids, Tony is located by the US Army and escorted home.  Once semi-recovered (full recovery isn't needed, when you're TONY FUCKING STARK!) and having witnessed the destruction that his weapons have caused by falling into the wrong hands, Tony ends Stark Industries involvement in their prime area of business, weapon manufacturing.  

Every classic movie has an element of irony to it and Iron Man is no exception.  While wanting to keep weapons out of the hands of irresponsible terrorists, Tony immediately starts work on perfecting both of his rough cave contraptions, the ARC Reactor and the Iron Man suit.

I hope he had his Tetanus jabs...

That's right, an egotistical, borderline alcoholic with a number of personality disorders (please, see image above), solely possessing what could be the worlds most devastating weapon.  AWESOME!!!  I could go into the ethics of Tony's decision, but that's covered in Iron Man 2, which you really should watch, because it's even better than the first.  In perfecting the Iron Man suit, Tony makes a few errors along the way.  I feel that this is to let us connect with Tony, urging us to believe that WE could be that man...

... who can survive being rocket propelled into a concrete wall at 100mph...

... who can destroy things in our basement (surviving another meeting of flesh and concrete)...

... and can afford to destroy vintage sports cars.

Meanwhile, the board of Directors don't really see the companies new, peaceful direction as a sensible course of action, so freeze Tony out of the leadership citing diminished judgement due to stress.  During this turn of events, Tony also discovers that Obie Stane is the guy who tried taking him out, so he could run the company himself.  Power-hungry motherfucker.

Feeling somewhat betrayed, Tony does the most sensible thing he can think of...  He takes his rough cave contraption and totally pimps that shit through the roof!

DEEEE-OOOOOOOHHHH BOOM!!!

Tony then proceeds to right his wrongs...First on the naughty list is the terrorist cell that captured him in the first place.  Tony learns that these motherfuckers have been using Stark Industry weapons to reign havoc over Yinsen's hometown, as terrorists-with-weapons-of-mass-destruction would do.

Same shit, different paint job.

Upon returning home, Tony is left for dead by Obie Stane, who using a temporary paralysing tool, literally rips out Tony's updated ARC Reactor, so that he can reverse engineer it and use it for his own nefarious purposes.  IE Building his own Iron Man suit, that's ever so slightly larger and more menacing.

 I believe that Obie's Iron Man was accurately modelled on Jeff Bridge's physique.

Saved by using his original ARC Reactor (you know, the piece of shit cave-junk?) and the assistance of a machine that puts Apple products to shame (Siri, go fuck yourself), Tony has a final battle with Obie Stane's Iron Man in his own under-powered Iron Man suit.  Luckily for Tony, he has a secret weapon, which helps him save the day...

... HE IS TONY FUCKING STARK!!!

Which doesn't bode well for Obie Stane (who is not Tony Stark).